Hello everyone, I hope all is well with you. I’m back today and I’m talking about the Mom Wars. You know what they are, where Moms become competitive with each other over mothering. Whenever I see it I groan. It drives me absolutely nuts.
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I remember talking to one parent in particular. My kids weren’t friends with her kids, but we’d end up running into each other at the park and we’d compare notes. For example, what movie my kids liked and what one they didn’t. She’d tell me what play areas were good and which ones weren’t and so on. However, each time we parted, I felt frustrated and I wasn’t sure why. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. So the next time we talked, I paid attention to what was going on, and I noticed that every time I shared an experience that I enjoyed, she had one that was better. It was like we were competing over how many play dates we’d taken our kids on that week or who took their kids to the best zoo. I tested this hypothesis out a number of times and came up with the same conclusion. It got so bad I had to take my kids to a different park just to avoid her. I was afraid, afraid she’d run me off the path with her stroller, or push me down when I was occupied with the merry-go-round. You just don’t know about people these days. 😉
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I began to see it everywhere, this underlying competitiveness. Where did we get the idea that there was only one way to parent and that our way was the only way to do it? I mean every mom is the best mom they can be to their kids, right? Instead of being competitive we should be supportive.
What Mom wouldn’t give twenty minutes of alone time during the day? We should become collaborative instead of competitive. I mean if we banded together, think about how less stressed we’d be. It really does take a village to raise kids these days.
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I see this nasty competition among women over everything. I see it in the young girls and older generations. It’s as if we believe that there’s only this one man, this one job, or this one friend that’s available. And to be fair sometimes that’s the way it is, but not all the time.
To achieve this mutual support, we need to first accept and love ourselves just as we are. I believe this is the key right here. Because if we can accept and love ourselves just as we are, then we give permission for the other moms to do the same thing. We are all individuals and there is more than one way to achieve our goal of raising healthy, well-adjusted kids.
We should start by organizing mom clubs, where we take turns watching each other’s kids or band together and organize awesome play dates. We’d have one rule. We couldn’t compare ourselves to the others. We could offer suggestions to solve problems, but that’s it.
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I’ve heard whisperings that there are clubs like this already in existence, but I don’t know where they are or how they’re organized. Do you belong to one of these clubs? How is it working for you? Leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you!
44 thoughts on “Let’s End the Mom Wars”
Lisa, I agree with you. The whole idea of feminism is to support each other and not to buy into the idea of scarcity.
I agree, Bernadette! There’s enough here for everyone. It’s the idea that we have to keep up with the Jones’ that gets us in trouble and ruins our happiness.
That woman is just reflecting her insecurities back to you, Lisa. Let it roll off your shoulders and drop in the muck. Stand in your truth, girlfriend!
You are so right, Sharon. Thanks for your words of wisdom! Girlfriend! 🙂
Nope no clubs here. Where I live is weird. We’re not from here so it’s very difficult for us to make friends
Awww…That’s really tough. I wonder if you could start one yourself or start one online. If you did one online you might eventually get to meet in real life. ((Hugs))
I know! I’ve been thinking that
Great post! When my youngest was a baby, I joined a mom and tot group. I have to say that it was a relief to find other moms and not feel alone. They were supportive and friendly and it gave me a place to get out of the house. However, there have been other times where I haven’t had that support, especially when it comes to sports moms. Now, that’s competitive! LOL. I’ve learned that I am ok to not be part of that crowd, I am ok to nod and walk away and I am really ok not to be friends with that type of person. Through it all, I’ve taught my daughters to stand up for what they believe in, not exclude others, and to speak up for those that have not found their voice. We can’t change those women, but we can change ourselves and surround ourselves with positive individuals.
Well said, Rosie! And I can just imagine how competitive those sports Moms are! Kudos to you for being the bigger person. 🙂
I think we just need to focus on bettering ourselves, and helping others better themselves. 🙂
I agree, Erik! That is a very good point. 🙂
Love this-“I mean every mom is the best mom they can be to their kids, right? Instead of being competitive we should be supportive.” I wish more moms believed this.
I do, too! Just think what we would accomplish if we worked together instead of against each other! 🙂 And we’d be good role models for our kids, too!
I’ve seen this a lot with my own mom. She wasn’t a great mom, at least to me, yet when you hear her talk about her friends’ kids, they are doing everything wrong, and should come to her to fix it. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to have kids.
I understand how you feel. I think every generation learns from the previous one. Sometimes we learn what not to do. I was nervous about being a mom, too, and I didn’t have my kids until late in life. But I’ll tell you, I’m glad I did. They change your life in a lot of good ways. I don’t regret having them that’s for sure.
I think part of it is that women are naturally competitive. I think we are every bit as competitive as men, yet we have no healthy outlet for it. I see women who drive themselves crazy trying to make the PERFECT home, cook the BEST MEALS, and have the BEST DRESSED kids in the neighborhood. I always think that these women have as much drive and ability as any Corporate CEO, but they have no outlet for it so they drive their families crazy and break their budgets trying to compete in this manner. That’s why I think these little home businesses are a good thing. They can stay home with the kiddos and keep them safe and happy, but have a healthy outlet for their excess energies, and also bring in a little extra money to help the family. I look at my sons and wonder how they will manage if they have to raise a family as a sole breadwinner with a stay at home wife. That is a lot of pressure on a guy, so I think it helps to have both parties contributing to the bills rather than worrying about making the PERFECT Pinterest-worthy home. #SITSSharefest
Thanks for stopping by, Adrian. I believe you’re right. Women are as competitive as men, but we have been ingrained to be nice. So the competitive spirit comes out in unhealthy ways. Although, I think we’ve made great strides for women. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but we can do so much more. There’s still work to be done. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views. I enjoyed reading them. 🙂
Nice blog post Lisa.
Thanks, Eugenia. I appreciate you stopping by!
Great post and I agree. I think one reason why mom’s do this have to do with vulnerability and shame. When I read your post, I thought of Brene Brown’s two TED Talks on those two subjects. I highly recommend them. I think Mom clubs are a great idea. I reached out to mom’s more in this way when my kids were much younger. Toddlers and early elementary aged. Now my youngest is almost 10 and I don’t need the support as much I guess. I’m going to post this post on my blog today. I do my own version of #SundayBlogShare.
Awww…thanks I appreciate you stopping by and the shout out!
It’s infuriating. It’s starts when the kids are super young, too. You have to hear how early they crawl, sleep through the night, take their first steps. It sometimes feels like parents live vicariously through their children instead of having their own accomplishments.
You’re right, Christine. Although being the best parent you can be is a worthy goal, it can’t be your only goal. That’s why I took up writing. I wanted to stay home with my kids, but I needed a way to stretch my mind. I got back into writing and now I don’t want to stop. 🙂
That’s a good place to be.
It seems to be worse in some regions versus others too. My kids were young when we lived in Eastern NC, and I felt like I had a lot of supportive moms around, from all backgrounds. Then, when we moved to West Michigan, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. (And not in a good way!) It was like all of the nasty High School girls were now mom’s, and I wasn’t one of the cool kids!
I would love to see more support among women in all aspects of life. Lift each other up and stop tearing each other down!!
That’s so interesting that you found this issue to be regional. Wow. That never occurred to me. I wonder if it has anything to do with the lack of vitamin D because we Michiganders have winter 5 months of the year? I will have to do a little research on that. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. You’ve added a new dimension to this issue that’s for sure!
The Vitamin D issue! I was amazed that my numbers went from normal in NC to almost nonexistent when I moved to back to Michigan. Lack of sunshine in your life can make you a grumpy bugger that is for sure!
I agree! Time to get the supplements out or invest in sun lamps! We just might be on to something here!
This is my personal view but I’ve seen moms try to out do each other and do you know the forum they use? Pinterest. Hear me out. As a mom of a 9 and almost 13-year-old we go to a lot of birthday parties. And hot damn, if there isn’t some over the top, obnoxious looking goodie bag where the bag of goodies resembles the body, twizzlers form limbs and a Capri Sun is the head. And when I host Pinterest free birthday parties that are just as fun and average goodie bags are given away, they look at me as if their kid didn’t get their money’s worth. Does that make sense? I agree with you Lisa that moms try to out do each other. It’s such a joke. None of us our perfect and that is half my blog, laying out all my imperfections as a mother and a woman. Women need to understand it’s ok to think parenting sucks sometimes, to drink a little too much sometimes and have a muffin top.
Oh. My God. Are we on the same page, or what? I know exactly what you’re saying and it’s so sad that we as women feel the need to compete with each other. In my humble opinion it boils down to low self esteem. That we’re not enough just as we are and the only way to feel good about ourselves is to be “better” than someone else. We need to stop comparing and focus on what makes us happy! Am I right, or am I right?
You are so right! And you know what? The women that try to out do you and come up with these crappy Pinterest ideas (too judgey?), eventually their true nature comes out. It unfolds right before my eyes so when a kid comes over for a sleepover and there is a handwritten note in every single thing they brought, I just sit back and wait for the truth to come out over the months.
Good for you. Way to be proactive instead of reactive. You’re on the right track!
You make some great points here Lisa!
Thanks for stopping by, Ritu! I appreciate it! 🙂
Great post! So true
Thank you! 🙂
Totally agree with this one – I remember it from before. So true. If we don’t support each other, what is left?
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your thoughts and comments. 🙂
Reblogged this on and commented:
Hello everyone, I hope all is well with you! I’m back today with a post I wrote a few years back. It was a popular post and it still has relevance today so I thought I’d share it again. Thanks to all my followers for reading. I love you all!