Posted in Slice of LIfe, Writing

A Slice of Life Post: Feedback on First Pages

WRITE. Every day in March write a slice of life story on your own blog. SHARE. Link your post in the comments on each daily call for slice of life stories here at TWT. GIVE. Comment on at least three other slice of life stories/blogs.

 

Hello everyone. I hope all is well with you! I’m back again with another Slice of Life Post. Today, I’m asking for some feedback from all you talented people. I’m posting the first page of my WIP. I’ve written the beginning two ways, and I’d love to hear which page you like better. Which one grabs your attention the most and pulls you into the story.

I’ve never done this before and I’m kind of nervous. 🙂 Any feedback you can give me would be greatly appreciated!  Leave a comment and let me know what you think. :).

Photo credit: ukgardenphotos via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND

 

First Page One

Chapter One

Mia disappeared on the second Monday of summer vacation. I remember it like it was yesterday, the sticky heat and the heady aroma of wisteria as we traveled through the woods. The forest our parents forbade us to enter. Too dangerous, they’d said. Supposedly, homeless people congregated in the area near an old well, but I’d never seen them and neither had Mia. So we ignored our parents’ warnings. In all the youthful wisdom of seventeen- year-olds, we figured nothing had ever happened in this forest, or in our boring little town of Cloverdale for that matter.

It was the heat that drove us to the woods that day. The cover of the trees looked so cool and inviting we couldn’t resist, but even in the shade there was no escaping the paralyzing temperature. Sweat rolled down my back, soaking into my denim shorts. The damp waistband rubbed against my skin, making me irritable. The humidity was getting to Mia, too. I could tell because she made a dig at me, hit me at my most vulnerable spot. That’s when it all started to unravel.

“I’d give anything to be riding in an air-conditioned car right now, Claire.” She gave me a dark look as she wiped her brow.

“That’s mean.” I averted my gaze as my face grew hot. I didn’t think I could get any hotter, but here it was happening.

“Oh, don’t be so sensitive. I was just making a simple statement. It has nothing to do with your issue.”

 

Photo credit: m01229 via Visual hunt / CC BY-NC

 

Second First Page

I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I discovered Mia’s pink flip flop lying in the middle of the trail. My heart jumped to my throat as I picked it up with trembling fingers. This was so unlike Mia, she’d never leave her sandal in the woods. She’d consider the act a desecration of the earth.

Searching the area, I pulled out my cell phone and punched in her number. I waited for that spirited voice I knew so well. All I got was a single beep informing me my phone was out of juice. I almost threw it in the woods. How could Mia get so far ahead of me? Especially in those flip flops? Correction. One flip flop. We’d only been separated for sixteen minutes.

She couldn’t. I was Claire Peters. Cross country star. There’s no way she’d out pace me. I stiffened as anxiety exploded through me like a current of electricity. I took a quivering step forward and called out to her. “Mia!” I cocked my head, listening.

The only answer I received was the far-off squawk of a blue jay. I peered around me, searching for a flash of blue from her T-shirt or a glimmer of her dark curls between the leaves. Nothing. The warning our parents gave us burst through my brain like hot lava explodes from a volcano.. Don’t go in the woods. They’re dangerous. Dangerous. Dangerous.

 

There they are. Which first page grabbed your attention more? Which one made you want to keep reading? If neither one peaked your interest, let me know that, too! Please leave a comment! I appreciate your feedback!

If you’d like to read other Slice of Life Posts click here.